Getting back to normal...

As if I could ever be normal... *sigh* ...or ever tried very hard for that matter. But recent events have been sufficiently traumatic that I'm just getting back into the swing of things again. 

For starters, my father fell ill and passed away on Christmas Eve. After all the fuss of a Chinese funeral died down yesterday, I can now say that I'm trying to get my schedule going regularly again. 

In the mean time, I'll be going into mourning for a year, which is actually two years less than the prescribed period by tradition. Not that many Chinese bother about things like that any more. But being me, I like to do things that aren't generally approved by everyone.

Suspiciously too good...

Okay, so I'm naturally pessimistic and suspicious but I can't help feeling that things have been coasting along just a little too smoothly recently. I've got the electricity fixed at my new place, my water heater is up (YAY! Hot baths soon!) and I'm just waiting to get the shelves, partitions and curtains up before I start moving my stuff into the place. I've had a few revelations about how I should be playing better (I am going to channel Chris Evert on my forehands), my serve is getting more consistent and I'm getting the hang of my new racquet which is a whole ounce heavier than my old ones plus the head is much, much lighter. I was mistiming my groundstrokes very badly before. I put on a bit of weight after taking off two pounds but managed to get rid of one, so for me, that's about as good as it can get. And now I'm waiting for things to fall apart on me. They always do.

Horrors! I am sooo ashamed!

The last couple of weeks in October sent me over the edge into depression binges so badly that I lost a lot of muscle. I didn't really put on weight but the the sheer lethargy meant I stopped going to the gym completely and lost a lot of muscle. So much so that I didn't dare to put up a more up-to-date shirtless picture of myself here. And that's because I discovered I am developing man boobs!!! HORRORS!!!  So now I've started going back to the gym again and I've lost 2 lbs. Still a long way to go before I dip below 185 lbs. Hopefully, I'll manage that by 31st January 2014, when Chinese New Year comes round. No way I'm going to go visit relatives looking like a whale with sagging boobies!

Before I move in...

The last few weeks have been dreadfully stressful. I have got a lingering flu and no energy to do anything active, even tennis. I've lost muscle but hopefully not put on too much fat. I know. I know. I obsess about fat too often.

I think some of that is mental because of the strain of having to look for a new home but now that I've paid the rental on it, I am feeling much more relieved. The nice landlady has offered to do a bit of renovation and refurbishment for me so I'll only be able to start moving my stuff in sometime after the end of this month. In a way, I'm both happy and sad at having to move because I've lived in my current home since 2004 but all my horoscopes did say that some things would end for me this year, so I'll just have to move on.

And then, my beloved old car which has carried me through happy times and sad ones is also ready to give up the ghost, too. I've done everything to make it road worthy and it's still functioning but it's definitely on its last legs so once I have my provident funds in hand next year, I'll have to say goodbye to it, too.

So many good byes this year.

Moving on...

October is interesting. First of all, I got trounced badly enough to have to review not just the way I am hitting the ball when I play tennis but also my whole approach to the game. More about that once I've stopped sobbing and crawled out from under the table. And then on top of all that, I haven't been able to go to the gym regularly and I suspect I've lost some muscle, too. Luckily, I haven't put on any weight, though I suspect the fat content of my body has gone up a little...unless I've put on some muscle on my thighs and butt. Never mind that because now, I also have to start looking for a new home before the end of the year.

I went to view a couple of places and one of them, offered by a friend at a very good price, is also ideal as a potential pottery studio. It won't be ready for some time yet so I'll probably have to rent a temporary place for a few months before I can move in there. It's good to get that settled and out of my hair so that I can get on with other things in my life.

It's been raining like crazy here in Penang and normally, I'd just go to the gym but with all that looking for a new home, I've been too busy and too stressed out at the end of the day to even drive there. Hopefully, it will be different from tomorrow onwards.

I'll post photos of my new home when it's all done and over in a few months' time.

I Nearly Crawled Under The Table...

Some days I just feel like I want to crawl under the table and cry. Yesterday was one of those. All that training and pushing myself until I nearly black out sometimes and then I go and play stupid tennis and proceed to get bushwhacked 8 games to 1. My own fault, really, because first, I was not using my best shots and then I proceeded to rush to hit winners when a little more patience would have got the same result. Of course, I can take some positives from the experience but what made it really hurt was the fact that I had to continue hanging around the place and pretending like it was all okay...when all I wanted to do was go home and lick my wounds in darkness.

Oh well...there's always next year, I guess...

Beginning of October

On Wednesday, I found out that I'll be playing singles against a gentleman ten years younger than me. He doesn't smoke, drink or indulge in any of my favourite sins either. He's also 30 lbs lighter than me, doesn't suffer low blood sugar problems and will have the stands cheering for him, into the bargain.  am not complaining, however.

Win or lose, I love a good fight.

Besides, I've been working as much on my game as I have been working onmy strokes and techniques.

For starters, I swallowed my pride and tried to play really well against lower-skilled opponents. Not that I ever refused to play against anyone for that reason. I've always remembered other players not wanting to be seen on the same court as me when I was a beginner (and how hurtful hat was) but I never really felt like wanting to focus and strike the ball properly. So mea culpa, I was disrespectful even if I meant well by not trying to crush them with superior skills. These last few months, however, I focused on placing the ball well (not on trying to whack the hell out of it) and discovered that not only did they enjoy it more but that I also improved a lot mentally from having to focus on pure strategy.

And then I also picked a couple of different things that I wanted to focus on doing well each match, like hitting acute crosscourt angles which are easier against people who don't hit so hard, or playing drive-volleys against soft, high, deep balls. Just one or two different things each time, which I wouldn't have the chance to practise in a regular game. And I found that when I did play against people with similar or superior skills to mine, I was actually able to execute my game plans better using precisely those very techniques I'd practised against weaker guys.

So, without writing a very long post, I can say that I'm a very different player than before and I'm confident that playing well against a younger, fitter man isn't quite the one-sided battle it seems like at first glance.

I know I said I wouldn't BUT...

Okay, I don't want to sound bitter AND I did say that I wouldn't post any more photos of myself in my favourite skimpy underwear BUT it is true that no one from my family is going to happen across this particular blog OR start searching for pictures and stories about me using this particular log-in name, so I really am not going to worry about whether any of them happen to see me in nearly all my fifty-five-year-old glory. Not any more. To be honest, though, I don't post pictures of myself like this for my own titillation. I'm vain BUT the reason I post pictures like this is that I want to keep a record of how much fat I lose, how much muscle I gain and hopefully, someday, have an illustrated "from fat to fantastic" story of my own to tell.

No Holiday BUT...

So I didn't go for another holiday because I had too many things to do but I did spend some time thinking about where I should be heading. I've never been happy to simply float along day by day though I often end up doing that because I'm fatigued and lack the energy to get off my doofus and do something.

I've been busy planning my gym work, especially now that my clients will be here again for the next six months, and how I need to train to play the tennis game I want to. It's not easy remembering that I can't simply go to the gym and the tennis court on the same day everyday because I want to do so much more than I am already doing.

For example, I have to keep in mind that any injuries I suffer from over-exertion aren't going to go away as easily as when I was younger AND that I do get injured more easily nowadays. So it's been a case of trying to balance the different kinds of physical stuff the last few weeks while trying to stay sharp enough to deal with the mental and aesthetic side of what I do, too.

I couldn't help recollecting some of the really stupid things I did when I was younger and fitter, however. Really shameful the way I hoped to "become best friends" with good-looking guys back then. I keep telling my nephews and nieces that you can't buy friendship or liking with money, gifts, favours or even by being a doormat because I'm speaking from experience. I wish I'd been able to accept that fact of life when I was younger. It would have saved me a lot of embarassment and self-loathing for sure.

There was that time I thought I'd made a a friend (let alone "with benefits") when I was sharing a room with a gorgeous Indian boy at a local tennis tournament. We were both 17 and I can't believe how badly I made a fool of myself because I wanted to be his 'friend'. If only I'd been able to think 'friendship' and forego the subconscious ulterior motives...*sigh* But at that age, the hormones make thinking rationally a tad difficult. And don't get me started on the Thai guys I encountered when I first started going to Thailand for 'recreational holidays'...

Hopefully, I'm a little wiser now and won't make the same mistakes. I certainly have become a little grouchy  and suspicious (okay, so a lot) about being told what to do for anyone by anyone. I always suspect some kind of hidden agenda but then, speaking from experience, I guess it takes one to know one!

I'm ready to move on

I've lost more than 5 lbs, finished off the last of my clients' projects and put my own things in order as best I can and now, I'm ready to begin work on myself and my own books! I'm really re-thinking not only how I'm going to play better tennis but also how I see myself. I guess it's been a long time since I thought about how I really want to look and I can tell you I've spent a long time in the wilderness, so to speak. I've gone from wanting to be slim (oh well....as slim as I can get anyway) to wanting to give up a lifetime's struggle against being obese. 

But the more I think I about it, the more I'm convinced that i'm just stressing myself out struggling to fit into some stereotype that I'm genetically not capable of becoming. So what I've decided is that it's okay if my body isn't all that slim or muscularly defined. What's more important is that I can look good in clothes even if I'm bigger than conventionally accepted. That's what I love about the Japanese (other than their pottery, language, food and national costumes among other things). For all that their society and culture is so rigid in so many ways, when it comes to sexy, they are so very accepting  of so many different body types. Like bear men, for example.

Okay, so I don't have enough body hair to be a bear, but I have always found their big men - muscles with some body fat - to be extremely manly and sexy. So what if some people call them "tubby" and think they could stand to lose a few pounds? They're strong, confident and have no hangups about wanting to be willowy in the least. And after "doing some research" I've defined in my own mind what it takes to be a  smooth "panda" - the Asian equivalent of a hairy western "bear" man. Big shoulders, big chest, big legs! Something like my friend, Po, who's Chinese. I think he's sexy as hell. AND he's a nice guy with loads of artistic talent, too! So okay, I might not be able to grow any hair on my face but who cares. I'd be happy to look just a bit like him any time!

Hopefully, another little holiday first...

I really, really really want to go off to Thailand for another little holiday before I come back and get down to serious business again. I know I've already had two quick holidays in Pattaya this year but I didn't go alone the first time and it rained during the day most of the days I was there the second time so I didn't get to go to the beach even once. I did go to the various naughty bars however, so it was never a total loss...but darn it, a holiday at a beach town isn't a holiday unless I sun at the beach, swim, and eat lots of grilled catfish, fried crabs and fresh fruit at least 80% of the time! 

What's stopping me this time is the fact that I'm getting my tennis techniques and play to a level where I feel I can say I'm improving, I'm losing fat (slowly but surely) and I'm also writing again and I'm afraid to interrupt the flow just at the moment. On the other hand, once I get down to the serious stuff with my writing clients, I'll be very grouchy because I won't be able to go to Pattaya or Bangkok until the last one's gone home.

This time, if I go, I'll make sure to carry my little notebook. I want to continue writing when I'm not either at the beach or behaving like a cheap slut in my favourite Thai bars. So there!

Moving ahead...

Things are starting to click together so nicely for me, it seems a bit of a shame to go off on another holiday motivated by nothing more than naughty expectations...but then, if I don't go soon, I'll be stuck with my regular work schedule until the end of next April and that's a rather daunting prospect. Of course, it would be a bit too much to hope that EVERYTHING's going well...I'm still stuck trying to decide how much to rewrite my children's fantasy trilogy.  

You wouldn't think it but writing for children/teenagers or young adults is much harder than writing for regular old adults. First of all, there's the language level to consider. You can't really use too many unfamiliar words - not necessarily 'big' words, mind you. I use the word 'fife' and had too explain that it means 'flute' for example, because not many modern under-18s would know that. And then, there's boy-girl relationships and attractions. It's easy enough to have a girl character who behaves like one of the boys but I refuse to write a character who's basically a boy in drag!

And then there's the fact that I'm basically writing a wulin or jianghu-type book (that's Chinese martial arts fantasy world, if you didn't know) but one meant for non-Chinese children, too, so I have to have characters who don't come from a Chinese milieu and need to have certain things explained to them (and my readers, too!) My biggest concern, of course, is trying to keep the flow of narrative and action going well enough that any younger reader isn't going to feel bored by too many talking heads. 

Sigh...if only writing for young people were as easy as writing for old ones... 

Tried my best...

I can't really say that I lost any weight the whole of June, though I tried my best. Today, after 25 days of pushing myself really, really hard, I lost another three pounds so now I'm  about 190 lbs - just 5-7 lbs sort of my fighting weight of 183-185 lbs. I might have lost some muscle as I have been using light weights and doing high repetitions just for strengthening my joints and muscles to avoid and prevent injuries before I add enough weight to really start putting on muscle, but I can't really complain because I'm feeling good, even today after hitting up for 45 minutes and then playing singles with a younger man. 

So it looks like things are more or less on track unless I get injured again. I'm not going to try taking any new pictures of myself until the end of the month because I think I'd like my progress to be a little more visible this time round.

June was interesting...

So I started going to the gym again and swimming regularly as well as sneaking in a few serve practice sessions against the wall. I am so glad my calf isn't aching any more after a month of slow steady physiotherapy. The weight training and swimming must have helped, too, though I don't seem to have lost more than two pounds in spite of five days a week of working out and swimming. Still, I can't complain - my jeans are slightly loose and I didn't think I'd actually be able to lose any weight at all without the running around provided by my usual tennis.

The other thing I also tried to learn to deal with was my blood sugar problem by swimming and doing the light weights with high repetitions three hours after my last meal. The way I see it, my problem with blood sugar isn't s much that it drops but that I become mentally incapable of focusing when it does. So I tried my best to work until my sugar dropped and then to do my best to learn to stay mentally focused. I don't know how well it's worked and I can't find out until I start playing tennis again after the 15th of July, but I truly hope there'll be something to show for all that! 

Fetish pictures of me...really?

I have had an interesting week. A friend asked me to pose for a specific kind of photo because he's got a liking for pictures of mature Asian men in red shirts half-open to the waist, with a gold or silver necklace, drinking and smoking. And no spectacles (personally I prefer my pictures with spectacles on...but hey, go figure.). Wow! Talk about specific fetish pictures! I thought it would be interesting if I could fulfill his request, so here are they are. Hope you like them, Jimmy.

Really all over again...

It's been nearly two months since I deleted all my pictures and posts and decided to start all over again here and it's been an eventful time. For starters, I found out exactly how many members of my family on-line at Facebook cared enough to ask if I was okay after I was threatened with physical violence by a gang of thugs. None. Not a single one. And one or two even accused me of not posting about it at all. A bit laughable since so many of my friends from other countries saw the post and did ask if I was all right. And then, I found out that my own father had blocked my posts so that nothing I posted would ever appear where he could see it. And this was all from my kid-safe profile, mind you. Nothing I post from my Adults-only profile ever appears on any of my relatives' pages because I know they allow their kids to log-in using their profiles.

So it's taken me two months to come to terms with the unexpected discoveries. I admit I went into a tailspin of deep depression. But then, I finally decided that what the adults did wouldn't change how I felt about any of my nephews or nieces and that the most important thing was to focus on that and ignore their parents actions. And of my father wanted nothing to do with me on-line, that was his right and his decision and it shouldn't prevent me from doing what I consider to be my duty as the eldest son (the prodigal as he's said so often...note, he never added the word "son" at any time, either). But then, as if for good measure, the gods decided that I should develop a fingernail infection that prevented me from working with clay on the potter's wheel, and after that, tear a calf muscle just as I was nearing the end of my preparations for a local tennis tournament.

But I'm stronger now. I guess it's really true what they say. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And I decided to take this as an opportunity to do all the things I'd put aside, like handbuilding and sculpting with drier clay as well as going to the gym and swimming more regularly. I but the bullet and joined a nearby 4-star hotel's health club so that I could do those things. And when my calf got better, to start (very carefully) rebuilding certain tennis techniques and strokes from the ground up again. 

I'm still not where I want to be yet, but I've lost most of the weight I gained during the months of depression and I'll be starting my secret tennis training soon. And I think I look a lot better than before, too. So I guess I can't complain. After all, I managed t get away for a week at Pattaya at the end of May, and with the money I've saved, I'll be able to go again in a few weeks' time. So I'm not really hurting any more because I've decided not to let any of those people hurt me ever again.

Starting Afresh

I had a horrible shock when I tried a Google search using my log-in name from here and all these images of me nearly naked came up. Silly me! I hadn't realized that any pictures I posted here would be available on a search database. So, after some thought, I decided to delete all my old pictures and posts and start this blog afresh. One thing I really need to remember, however, is no more nearly naked pictures of myself unless they're taken in a public setting like a swimming pool or the beach - and that's gonna happen only if and when I am in top condition! I don't want any of my underaged nephews or nieces to stumble across any of them. That's a a bit too much more of my private life (or parts) than I want them to see! So from now on, I'll be wearing pants, jeans or shorts in my weight loss log pictures.