I know I said I wouldn't BUT...

Okay, I don't want to sound bitter AND I did say that I wouldn't post any more photos of myself in my favourite skimpy underwear BUT it is true that no one from my family is going to happen across this particular blog OR start searching for pictures and stories about me using this particular log-in name, so I really am not going to worry about whether any of them happen to see me in nearly all my fifty-five-year-old glory. Not any more. To be honest, though, I don't post pictures of myself like this for my own titillation. I'm vain BUT the reason I post pictures like this is that I want to keep a record of how much fat I lose, how much muscle I gain and hopefully, someday, have an illustrated "from fat to fantastic" story of my own to tell.

No Holiday BUT...

So I didn't go for another holiday because I had too many things to do but I did spend some time thinking about where I should be heading. I've never been happy to simply float along day by day though I often end up doing that because I'm fatigued and lack the energy to get off my doofus and do something.

I've been busy planning my gym work, especially now that my clients will be here again for the next six months, and how I need to train to play the tennis game I want to. It's not easy remembering that I can't simply go to the gym and the tennis court on the same day everyday because I want to do so much more than I am already doing.

For example, I have to keep in mind that any injuries I suffer from over-exertion aren't going to go away as easily as when I was younger AND that I do get injured more easily nowadays. So it's been a case of trying to balance the different kinds of physical stuff the last few weeks while trying to stay sharp enough to deal with the mental and aesthetic side of what I do, too.

I couldn't help recollecting some of the really stupid things I did when I was younger and fitter, however. Really shameful the way I hoped to "become best friends" with good-looking guys back then. I keep telling my nephews and nieces that you can't buy friendship or liking with money, gifts, favours or even by being a doormat because I'm speaking from experience. I wish I'd been able to accept that fact of life when I was younger. It would have saved me a lot of embarassment and self-loathing for sure.

There was that time I thought I'd made a a friend (let alone "with benefits") when I was sharing a room with a gorgeous Indian boy at a local tennis tournament. We were both 17 and I can't believe how badly I made a fool of myself because I wanted to be his 'friend'. If only I'd been able to think 'friendship' and forego the subconscious ulterior motives...*sigh* But at that age, the hormones make thinking rationally a tad difficult. And don't get me started on the Thai guys I encountered when I first started going to Thailand for 'recreational holidays'...

Hopefully, I'm a little wiser now and won't make the same mistakes. I certainly have become a little grouchy  and suspicious (okay, so a lot) about being told what to do for anyone by anyone. I always suspect some kind of hidden agenda but then, speaking from experience, I guess it takes one to know one!

I'm ready to move on

I've lost more than 5 lbs, finished off the last of my clients' projects and put my own things in order as best I can and now, I'm ready to begin work on myself and my own books! I'm really re-thinking not only how I'm going to play better tennis but also how I see myself. I guess it's been a long time since I thought about how I really want to look and I can tell you I've spent a long time in the wilderness, so to speak. I've gone from wanting to be slim (oh well....as slim as I can get anyway) to wanting to give up a lifetime's struggle against being obese. 

But the more I think I about it, the more I'm convinced that i'm just stressing myself out struggling to fit into some stereotype that I'm genetically not capable of becoming. So what I've decided is that it's okay if my body isn't all that slim or muscularly defined. What's more important is that I can look good in clothes even if I'm bigger than conventionally accepted. That's what I love about the Japanese (other than their pottery, language, food and national costumes among other things). For all that their society and culture is so rigid in so many ways, when it comes to sexy, they are so very accepting  of so many different body types. Like bear men, for example.

Okay, so I don't have enough body hair to be a bear, but I have always found their big men - muscles with some body fat - to be extremely manly and sexy. So what if some people call them "tubby" and think they could stand to lose a few pounds? They're strong, confident and have no hangups about wanting to be willowy in the least. And after "doing some research" I've defined in my own mind what it takes to be a  smooth "panda" - the Asian equivalent of a hairy western "bear" man. Big shoulders, big chest, big legs! Something like my friend, Po, who's Chinese. I think he's sexy as hell. AND he's a nice guy with loads of artistic talent, too! So okay, I might not be able to grow any hair on my face but who cares. I'd be happy to look just a bit like him any time!