The Rowdy Reprobate

2012-01-01T06:53:00.000-08:00

2012 is here and Im trying to decide what my goals should be for this year. I managed to get some of the things done that I'd planned for last year and I had to leave other things undone. So this isn't going to be a list of New Year's resolutions but a list of the things I want to get done this year, and hopefully, some of my thoughts on why I want to do them.

1. I really must get my children's fantasy trilogy finished because one way or another, I'm going to submit at least the first book to publishers and agents before June. I don't think I have much time left to waste, I am afraid.

2. I want to play at least two Seniors tennis competitions - and hopefully - WIN!!!

3. I want to start selling my pottery professionally at local craft shops and markets.

4. I want to reach my target weight range of 180-185 lbs before I start playing tennis tournaments in April.

5. I have got to learn to keep things simple, not be too ambitious, set fewer but more important targets and focus on achieving them

Looking over my shoulder...

2011-12-29T05:16:00.000-08:00

Another year ends and I can't help but look back on all I've done and everything that's happened before I start planning for 2012. This year, there were a few good things and then there were times when I felt like something about me needed serious kicking. Here goes -

1).My pottery skills improved sufficiently that the teachers at the ceramics class managed to sell not one but TWO medium-sized pieces of mine for rather more than I had thought possible.

2).I learned to try hitting the ball away from my opponent on purpose, instead of by accident when I was simply going for a killer shot. But then, I still haven't learned to resist temptation and avoid throwing away points by going for killer shots at utterly inappropriate times.

3).I was ill or injured so often that my weight stuck between 192-196 lbs most of the time, and I lost a lot of lean muscle because I had to cut down on gym time and tennis training.

4). I managed to finish ghost writing the final draft of a 40,000-word book for a client 20 days ahead of schedule.

5).I finally visited Pattaya and had a really good time even though I was there for only 3 days and met a lot of nice people. I plan to be back. Something to look forward to in 2012, I guess.

And that's it for 2010...not really a year to be proud of anything I've accomplished. Time to think really hard about what I truly want to get done next year.

I never seem to learn my lesson...

2011-12-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

I seem to be playing much better now than before but I never seem to learn my lesson about eating when my body needs it - instead of stuffing my face when I think I need a little pick me up to feel better.

Same thing jappened again today. I ate before going for pottery class and threw a proper vase with a 6-inch neck just to prove to myself that I have not only learned the skill but that I can do it better than before. And then, I had a light lunch because I was going to play tennis later...guess what happened...my blood sugar fell so badly, my timing went west and my game fell to pieces.

It isn't really as much of a dilemma as it seems. Really, it isn't just a question of do I eat enough to play properly - and pile on the pounds - or do I try to diet so that I can lose the excess fat I'm carrying. It's taken me a long time to realise that the best solution is to eat when my body needs it, and that means eating an extra small meal just before I start playing so that my blood sugar doesn't plummet. It doesn't mean putting in a lot of food at one sitting, just to keep my blood sugar up all the time I am playing.

And yet, knowing that, I still went ahead and failed to take a small extra snack to the court with me. Sometimes, I can be extremely stupid!

It's been a long, lonely road.

2011-12-03T08:01:00.000-08:00

First time ever in thirty-five years, I actually managed to stay focused, produced the kind of techniques I've been training and practising for hours and hours and played the kind of all-court attacking game I believed I could play. And won. Just three letters W-O-N but getting here's been a long and lonely road because no one - not even my own family - ever believed I could, and everybody said I'd always fail because I'm fat, slow and a loser who got nervous and froze up on the court.

It's easy to say that I never stopped believing in myself but the truth is I did, once long ago and gave up tennis for thirty years, because I just got so tired of fighting my own mind and body day in and day out without any kind of end or goal in sight. It hurt, too, that my brother and sister had inherited the wonderful coordination and sports talent that marks my family while all I got was, to quote a certain member of my family, "the darkest genes."

And then when I started playing again, just to get fit and burn fat at first, it was a bit like a horror movie reprise because everything I couldn't do - like stay focused on the points - or did wrong all those years ago, I just went on doing wrong and still couldn't do even with a helluva lot of gray hair on my head. So today, after three years of trying to play a game everyone said I couldn't, I did.

Now, if only I could lose 15lbs and get much fitter and faster on my feet...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

2011-11-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

I got a shock today. And it was one of those rare occasions when it was good news that left me tongue tied. Not often that happens. What happened was that as we were submitting our pottery stuff for the festival next weekend, we were asked to price our stuff. Well, I have very little idea how much my work is worth since I still consider myself a student at best, so I just took a wild guess and tagged all the smaller pieces at $20-$30 and $50 for the larger ones. And was told by the Japanese teachers at the class that I was crazy to do that. They said my stuff was worth much more and marked up everything a 100% - I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it!

It's nice to think that my teachers who are ceramic artists on their own country, think my work is worth that much! Now, if only I could have had good news about my tennis as well...*sigh* I can work my opponent side to side and set up the point but when it comes to finishing it, I end up hitting into the net or send the ball over the baseline. I only managed to win 4 points out of 17 - and none of those four points were on my forehand side. I really need to learn to end points more effectively AND find a better way to play my forehands more effectively.

Getting some control over my life again

2011-11-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

It feels like I'm getting some control over the way my life is going again, after months of hectic haring around to very little purpose. For one thing, I'm settling into a comfortable writing routine in the morning so that I'm actually getting work done, though it's all still ghost writing for other people. I'm going to have to try to discipline myself to start writing for a bit in the afternoon before I go to play tennis or else my own books are going to be put on hold for another six months.

And speaking of playing tennis, I had one lousy and three good games today. As usual, the first game I play always feels a bit like I'm sleepwalking because I can't seem to get my timing and strokes going effectively. After that, most things seem to be okay - even the low blood sugar problem, which I seem to have under control for the moment. Ans I seem to have found a relaxed, comfortable way to serve consistently and well that isn't going to take too much out of me or give me backaches and tennis elbow the next morning.

I feel like breaking something...

2011-11-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

Two miserable pounds after three weeks of training in the rain until I got tennis elbow in both arms, staying away from food even when my blood sugar was sometimes so low, I thought I'd black out on the court and just trying my best not to stuff my face. Still, the four pounds I've lost since I began my latest make-over began last month or so, is beginning to show, I hope. The only consolation for all that self-abuse the last three weeks was that I managed to get all my pottery glazed...AND sold a couple of pots! So now, I can truthfully call myself a potter.

I'm a bit of an anal-retentive about things like that. I refused to call myself a writer until I'd got at least one book published under my own real name, even though I'd already had a couple published as a ghost writer for other people.

An intimately revealing part of myself...

2011-10-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

After three years of posting nearly naked pictures of myself like this one on-line, for the first time in my life, I am going to post an intimately revealing picture of certain parts of my anatomy on this blog. It's not as if I haven't given it a lot of thought because I really don't like revealing too many important details about myself. And I don't mean naughty pictures or moaning on and on about not being able to play tennis well - or even what I think of certain things. And close-up pictures of parts of my anatomy will certainly reveal everything to anyone who's got the sense - or the intelligence - to see what's on show. If you don't believe me, take a good long look below and see if I'm not one hundred percent right...

You win some, you lose some...

2011-10-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

After 12 days of hard, daily tennis practise and training, all I've managed to lose is one miserable pound. But! I've developed a much better service that allows me to serve free of the fear of double faults for the first time in my tennis-playing life. Actually, it would be closer to the truth if I said that for the first time in 40 years (that's how long I've been playing tennis), I no longer fear to start off the game by serving first.

Of course, I also ended up accidentally smashing the racquet I'm holding in the picture. No, no, not because I threw a temper tantrum. One of the things I did wrong all these years was holding the racquet too tightly. So, I had to learn a more relaxed grip which would allow my hand the flexibility to hit the ball with more spin. As it happened, the first time I tried serving with the new grip, the racquet flew out of my hand, hit the ground head first and cracked along the rim.

The funny thing was that once it happened, I didn't have any more fear of losing my racquet and was able to teach myself the new serve with the new grip, using the broken racquet. Luckily it was an old racquet, but it still hurt because I'm very attached to my old stuff!

It's a long road back...

2011-10-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

Two weeks and all I managed to lose was one miserable pound. My own fault, as I've been busy travelling and catching up with stuff that I was too lazy to do before. On top of that, I strained a lower left shoulder muscle two weeks ago, right after I took the previous picture and haven't been able to go to the gym since. And all I managed to get in was a couple of days at the tennis court. I've been trying to eat more healthily and whole lot less, but of course, the only thing that happened was my legs going rubbery when I played tennis and my blood sugar fell. I'm still posting my picture - fat and all - this week. It's one way of staying honest about my physical conditioning (or lack of it).

The only consolation I had was that I seem to have more or less learned a reliable second serve kicker since I only served four double faults in two days of play - about one every two service games; and my groundstrokes have been holding up while I'm slowly getting the hang of moving in to play a drive-volley on deep, high balls instead of trying to play low percentage half-volleys from the baseline. But my overhead smash (never my best shot, to put it kindly) has deteriorated to the point where I'm hitting the bottom of the net regularly. As with everything else in my life, it's been one step forward two steps back.

I was too ashamed...

2011-09-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a very short holiday in Pattaya. I wish I could have stayed longer than two nights, but most of all, I really wish that I could have gone there under happier circumstances but I've put on so much weight from lack of gym training, fewer tennis sessions and nearly six weeks of depression eating, that I was too ashamed to take any pictures of myself. I had my camera with me but every time I thought of taking it out, I'd ask myself if I really wanted to remember my first ever visit to Pattaya that way. And I was too ashamed of the way I looked to go swimming at Dongtan beach, too.

I've been planning to go to Pattaya for five years and when I finally managed to go, what happened? I put on so much fat and lost so much muscle before ever stepping on the train that I was too ashamed to take any pictures of myself there. But I don't plan on staying fat forever. I'll never give up fighting fat - or depression. So here's my latest picture to remind myself how far I've fallen and how much farther I've still got to go before I'll dar to strut my stuff at the gay beach in Jomtien.

Back to the gym. Back to the tennis court. Back to counting calories every single waking second. Back to Square One and starting it all over again but a new day's waiting just around the corner. I must never stop believing that.

I need a real break

2011-09-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks, I've been trying my best to play tennis as best I can without making my elbow worse. I've been staying away from the gym, too, and I end up with a mysterious muscle injury on my non-playing shoulder. On top of that, I don't seem to be improving in any way at the court. All my timing's off and my blood sugar yo-yos if I take just 300gm less of carbohydrates before I go to train. So now, I'm carrying an extra 12 or so pounds of fat and I'm feeling worse than depressed again.

I think it's time for a holiday. I think I just need to get away from familiar surroundings and see new stuff, eat different kiinds of food, wander new lands on my own for a bit and come back refreshed and ready to go again.

It's been difficult...

2011-08-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

It's been hard the last two weeks, with an elbow injury that's forced me to cut weight-training and slow down tennis training, and then to catch a cold that's affected my timing so badly that it feels like I'm floating on court. And then, there's the fact that no matter what I do, I just can't seem to overcome the bad habits and other physical limitations, let alone the mental stuff, that makes me such a lousy player on court. I admit it. There have been times the last fortnight or so, when I've felt like simply giving up tennis and just sticking to weight-training.

But then, I've always believed that whatever I can see myself doing in my mind, I can achieve no matter what the odds. And the fact that I refuse to give my family members the satisfaction of being right when they call mecannon fodder on the court. If for no other reason than that, I've got to hang on and keep banging away...

In transition : 1st Week August

2011-08-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am a trifle surprised at the difference in just three weeks or so since I stepped up my training programme. Admittedly it hasn't been a good programme since I now have a touch of tennis elbow - and it didn't come from playing tennis. I know my stroke techniques very well and I have never suffered that particular complaint as a result of playing tennis. I guess trying to train and play three days a week in addition to kneading and throwing 4kg of wet clay every week isn't really a good idea for an old fart. So I guess I'll have to cut back on the weights and step up on the tennis...but not just yet. I think I'd better give my elbow a chance to heal a bit first.

I'll miss the additional weight training, I must confess. It's actually quite therapeutic quietly lifting weights by myself in the gym. No competition with anyone, no need to worry if I'm keeping my eye on the ball and no need to worry if I'm playing stupidly for one reason or another. However, my change of eating habits (more protein and vegetables with less rice) also seems to be working well and I'll definitely stick to that. Hopefully, changing my training programme by cutting down on the heavy weights and stepping up the tennis will help get my body closer to the kind of shape I want before I go on holiday and strut my aging bod on the beach!

My apologies and plans for a MAJOR make-over

2011-07-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

First of all, my sincere apologies to the nice people who have kindly posted comments about my blog. For some reason only Google knows, I can't seem to post or add any comments to my own blog. So, I'm taking the opportunity to thank you all here and apologise for not having replied to you.

After speculating about the 'bear' look in recent posts, I took a good, long hard look at how I wanted to live and love. Recent events in my life have also made me pause and reconsider how I want to see myself - I couldn't care less how others see me because I can't change their preconceptions and world views.

There have been people who've written nasty comments to me about this raspberry photo of mine. I love it because it reminds me that the camera doesn't always love me...and it's always good as a reality check.

While I don't photoshop my pictures until I've got rid of all my wrinkles and avoirdupois, I've been lucky enough to get a few good pictures of myself in the past after shooting twenty or thirty bad ones. But for some reason, they can't seem to accept the fact that I can make fun of myself (with a fish eye lens to get the extra puffy cheeks and double chins, no less) but that's their problem. Not mine. I could care less what nasty people think.

But I do intend to get a more 'Asian beary' look - even though I couldn't grow a single strand of chest hair to save my life. So I won't be posting any more photos of myself here until I am happy with how I look.

Getting to GL Sauna and men's gogo bars in Hatyai

2011-07-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

After trying and failing a couple of times, I've finally found the elusive GL Sauna in Hatyai. There are references to it at various English-language Thai tourist websites and forum threads but nothing helpful because all I saw was a lot of people failing to find it and complaining about that.

The easiest way is to take a tuk-tuk, of course. Just ask the driver to get you to Nattaporn K&K. The sauna is right behind it, in a small dilapidated building along the little lane.

Sorry I didn't have time to check out either the sauna or the gogobars as I had very little time left after locating them, and had to rush back to meet up with my family members who'd accompanied me to Hatyai.

But whether you decide to take a tuk-tuk or walk there, I decided to post pictures and instructions on how to get to those two areas on foot to give everyone a better idea of how to locate the place. Scroll down for instructions for how to get to the men's gogobar area at ThaiAkarn Road.

The best thing about my expedition was that I also discovered how to get to all the men's gogo bars in Hatyai. ThaiAkarn Road, where all the gogo bars are located, is right next to the GL Sauna area.

Another artistic side of me...

2011-07-14T05:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a few years since I drew any comics - or finished the last gay book I was writing and illustrating - and I'm beginning to feel the urge to draw and write again. I don't know why I have such a hard time finishing stuff like that. I never shilly-shally when it comes to other areas of my life. Problems with my right eye forced me to stop drawing but nowadays, I'm used to the slight blurriness and if I take off my glasses, I can still see well enough to draw, so really, I shouldn't be putting things like that off any more.

I seem to start off with great ideas (I should since I'm a writer professionally) and then stop about halfway or because I get interrupted by other things going on in my life and then can't find the energy to finish the darn things. I guess with my time running so short, it's time to dig out my pencils, pens and drawing paper and finish what could very well be my artistic legacy to other gay men. I might even post a bit of the stuff here when I'm done.

More work!

2011-07-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

So I want to be an Asian bear daddy. Well, there's a small problem with that...phooey! I don't have enough body or facial hair for that to really work. But I can do something about putting on more muscle around the shoulders, chest, back and legs. The upper body training I do already anyway, but the leg training isn't something I'm looking forward to with any pleasure. I guess a lot of it has to do with a subconscious fear of over-straining my knees and ankles, what with all the tennis I am trying to play but as with most things in my life, I know it's just one other fear to be faced and overcome with a rational approach...like diving off a three-metre high board into the swimming pool because I have a fear of heights.

The bonus for additional training on my legs and thighs is a nicer butt and more natural muscle growth hormones being released into my system, it seems. If ever I needed extra motivation to start training my legs during gym workouts, those two things have got to be it! I've never had a nice behind and I need all the muscle growth hormone I can squeeze out of my body and into my system.

Pandas, bears and chubs...

2011-06-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

In the last few days, I've been looking up a lot of research material about pandas, bears and chubs and I have made up my mind that's the new direction in which I'm heading. As I said at my other blog, it's a much more relaxed self-image than the buffed to the bones body type I've been chasing for the last forty years - and so much more easily achievable for me, with my odd combination of DNA, too. It's not as if I'm giving up the battle against my unwanted bulges since I still intend to go to the gym and workout with weights and tummy exercises, but more a shift of perspective that I think would make me less stressed out about the way I look.

I'm over fifty, after all, and given the physiological problems I was born with, trying to achieve less than 5% body fat is next to impossible if I don't want to be fainting all over the place - either from low blood sugar or high blood pressure caused by mental and emotional stress. Besides, bigger muscles are easier to achieve than ultra-low body fat levels with the amount of work I put in - and the way I have to eat to exercise and play tennis well.

So here's to a bigger and happier me!

Sunrise, sunset...

2011-06-13T02:00:00.000-07:00

Just another six weeks to go before I fly off on holiday and I still haven't decided whether to go to Thailand or Bali. On top of that, I'm still fifteen pounds heavier than I want to be. Okay, so I'm so vain that I refuse to go swimming at a beach (and carousing at the gay bars) in Kuta or Pattaya unless I am either much slimmer or carrying that much more muscle than fat on my tired old bod. Some days, I just can't win no matter how much I try.

I've been pushing myself as hard as I can both mentally as well as physically, going to the gym and training at tennis but it looks like one of my oldest friends has given up on me as a tennis player, at last. I know he can't understand that my blood sugar drops like a rock if I don't snack between games and that I have slight blurring in my right eye so that it's not always easy to keep the ball in sight, but I always thought he'd be there to advise me about what I wasn't doing right on the court. Looks like I was wrong.

I'm not afraid of working on my faults by myself. I've been fighting alone for forty years now. I've just got to remember not to comment about other people's games until or unless I can beat them 6-0, 6-0.

Another shift of perspective...

2011-05-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

I was replying to a post on a forum and I mentioned that since I was 'getting a lot of fun' already back in Penang, for the first time in my life, I could actually go on a holiday and enjoy the culture and the sights of whichever place I happen to darken with my presence - instead of planning how and where to enjoy as many of the local sausages as I could get my grubby paws on first...HeHeHe! I really don't know why there's such a stigma against being a sex tourist anyway. Do people really think that it's any worse than visiting a country and then trying to get the best bargain by denying some poor undernourished vendor with ten kids, a sick buffalo and a dying grandmother, a little more profit? I realize that there's a difference between paying a slightly higher price than being ripped off, but I don't believe I'd be happy knowing I paid only ten cents more for a pair of slippers which probably cost ten dollars less in my own country.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, if there are medical tourists who visit a country specifically to enjoy the better (and occasionally cheaper) medical facilities, and 'green' tourists who talk about seeing the trees and bushes and bugs and worms (while leaving empty drink cans and plastic food wrappers all over the place), what's wrong with being a sex tourist? I was never enough of a hypocrite to call a spade an excavational implement, anyway.

Dang, I told myself I wasn't going to rant and rave but I did anyway and forgot the original point of this post, which is that people seem to find the oddest things about which to attach all kinds of stigmas but take the most horrible things for granted and regard them as being socially acceptable...like taking advantage of others to save themselves a few minutes extra work or an extra cent. Whenever I see things like that I'm always glad no soothsayer of any stripe has ever predicted a long life for me.

Why do I do it?

2011-05-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Today I finally let all my family members know that I have been fighting depresion since I was 16, so it seems like a good time to remind myself why I keep on fighting my body, post nearly naked pictures of myself on the internet and write a blog that most likely, nobody will ever bother to read.

I don't write this blog in hopes of attracting attention of any kind. Here, I write down some of the personal things that I can't really talk to anybody about. It's a way of talking to myself, I guess, but with the added thrill of being accidentally found out. And then, of course, there's that ole exhibitionist streak in me to consider, too, which probably accounts for the pictures...

As for why I keep fighting my body, it's simple. My body has always been weak and it has failed me at crucial times all too often. It is my mind that has kept me living through the worst of the last 28 years and I have learned to believe that whatever my mind can 'see' I can accomplish no matter how long it takes. Even if it's re-shaping my own body against whatever nature and my genes have decreed.

Being an old fart is fun!

2011-05-16T02:36:00.000-07:00

Whenever I feel like I'm too old to go on doing all the things I enjoy, I try to remember all the advantages - and the fun - of being a horny old reprobate. For starters, I no longer worry what people think of me. I don't have to please any employers, my family had thrown up their collective hands in despair over what I am going to do next, and I couldn't care less about other people think of me. My friends - the real friends who have known me and been with me for years - know that I won't do anything without a good and often logical reason anyway. Our logics might not be the same, but we are happy to agree to disagree.

And then, there's the fact that people simply assume that I'm either going through a second childhood or getting senile. That's perfectly fine with me. I am not going to worry what perfect strangers' opinions of me might be and if they choose to judge me without knowing a thing about me, that's their choice. And their right. Of course, people almost invariably forget that I have an equal right to form an opinion about them. Which is when they get an earful from me. After all, it's all a matter of perspective, isn't it? Like my pictures. A full frontal picture in a standing position makes me look fatter while a side or three-quarter view cuts 15 pounds off what I look like, so does one where I'm exercising. It's all a matter of how we look at things and while I'm not about to tell people what they should do with their lives, I won't sit still and listen when people try to tell me what to do about mine either.

I guess that makes me some sort of enfant terrible, though at 52 years of age, I hesitate to apply the term 'enfant' to myself. Quite honestly, I prefer 'reprobate'. Really, I do.

My tastes seem to be changing...

2011-05-09T03:51:00.000-07:00

I find bear men more and more to my taste nowadays. I never really had a thing for twinks even when I was young. I always preferred my men with lots of muscle but nowadays, I find myself leaning more and more towards men with "more to offer" - not necessarily fat, mind you. Just big men who have the confidence to feel sexy in their own bodies, be they chubby, hairy, smooth or muscled and chubby.

I can't help but feel that hooking up with such men is much less stressful than for ever striving for idealised perfection of the masculine form. It's nice to hook up with a guy who's lean, buff and bulging-with-muscles but I think it's much more realistic to look for guys who do take the trouble to exercise and enjoy life even if they have more than just muscles.

Grumble, grumble...

2011-05-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

Much as I might grumble about having poor stamina on the tennis court and feeling as if I'm going to drop dead on the court after playing a few sets, I've go to admit I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't really feel satisfied at the end of the day if I haven't played as hard and as much as I can, and come home feeling like I'm ready to fall into bed and just go to sleep immediately. I guess training an hour against the wall before I even start playing a single set might have something to do with it.

Same for when I go to the gym. I don't really feel as if I've exercised unless I've lifted weights and done ab exercises until my muscles feel like lead. Of course, whether I play tennis or work out with weights, I need at least a full day to recover nowadays. I guess that's just age catching up, but I'm having fun. And as long as I'm worrying more about how good I'm going to look and less about how much I weigh, I reaally shouldn't grumble too much when I miss a few forehands or serve one or two more double faults.

Of course, there'll be people who'll say I'm still flabby and don't look good enough to post nearly naked pictures of myself all over the internet but I'm doing something about it, which is much more than those people can say about themselves. One actually told me that I had an uninteresting body and shouldn't try competing or trying to look as good as young men. He didn't seem to understand that I am not trying to compete against younger men in looks or body sculpting.

I'm competing against myself. I'm struggling against a body that's always been weak and flabby and apt to fail me when it matters. And as for posting my pictures all over the place (as he said), well, I think of it as motivation to keep on trying to look better every day. I'm vain as hell, so?

Another lesson well-learnt...I hope

2011-04-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I indulged in an orgy of tennis. There weren't many people at the court so I was able to play 3 sets of singles. It wasn't the wisest thing to do after having just recovered from a torn inner thigh muscle, but it was fun! Even if I lost 6-1, 6-1 6-2 and suffered cramps in my calves and thighs driving home. But that might have been because of the traffic jam and all the start-stop driving I had to do.

Still, I know I'll have to re-vamp my training programme a bit more now, to include more careful - and athletics based - training for my legs. There were times when my legs just wouldn't obey me when I wanted to go for the ball. And I didn't have the stamina to stay mentally focused for more than a couple of games at a time. The good thing is that I seem to have solved the blood sugar problem for now. I didn't feel giddy even once.

The gym training seems to be coming along well, too. I think if I cut it down to twice a week, but go as heavy as I can with the weights, it'll work - especially if I set aside 2 days for abs and cardio training to build my stamina.

I know I can do it. And then once I've also sorted out a few technical problems with my service and overhead smash, I should be playing even better - AND winning!

Too much of too many good things...

2011-04-29T05:39:00.000-07:00

I learned a good lesson this week...or at least, relearned one thing I should have known better not to do. I had three sessions at the gym and then went to practise tennis right after that. By the second session, I was already feeling the strain - my timing was going awry but not so badly that I realised what was wrong. By Wednesday's session, I could hardly get my racquet on the ball properly no matter what I tried to do. It wasn't as if I couldn't hit the ball, it was more like my not being able to get my racquet swinging through that fuzzy little ball properly.

So I've got to re-think and plan all over again how I plan to train at tennis and with weights so that my body can recover sufficiently that I don't feel as if I'm going to drop dead after ten minutes on the court. The good thing about all that overwork is that at least, I didn't approach the gym with dread. After such a long lay-off, I'm simply raring to go again every time weight-training day comes round.

Coming to terms with what God gave me...Hah!

2011-04-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

I actually squeezed in 3 sets of doubles yesterday and even though I ache like crazy all over today, I'm quite happy that I did. I didn't go to the gym before I started playing, however, though I do plan to do that the next time I go to the club. What I did learn about myself yesterday was that I have to stay focused on not giving in to my natural instincts and try to whale the hell out of the ball. I play much better when I try to produce a 'heavy' ball with spin, technique and proper weight transfer. That's easy for me on the backhand side but a little harder on the forehand and quite difficult when I serve as I often forget that I don't need to try to hit the ball hard all the time.

That's a lot like the rest of my life. I understand that God didn't give me wonderful coordination and timing and I think that's fair enough, as God has given me a lot of other good things already. Still, it's hard to come to terms with a lack of physical and sporting talent, when I do so love to run and play so much. I can't help envying other people who do have a knack for running and hitting well, or sympathising with those who like me, can't...and having absolutely little patience with those who won't even try to do anything. Sorry, but I don't suffer fools gladly and I really couldn't care less about those who keep bleating, "I can't! I can't!" when they haven't even tried to do anything.

I realise that it's their mentality that's holding them back from enjoying any kind of life, and I guess I really should be more kind to such people who can't break out of their own fears and insecurities, but I don't have much time left and unless there's a good reason for it, I'm usually inclined to simply agree with them and then leave them alone. It's not my business to try to "save them" or take them out of their comfort season...though I do get really snarky if they expect me to lend them an endlessly available ear to hear their continual complaints about how unfair life is to them.

Guess I've a long way to go yet before I become a saint...

Getting there again...only a little differently.

2011-04-21T05:07:00.000-07:00

So here I go again, hitting the gym and the tennis courts as much as I can again just so's I can try to get back to Square One. Or something like that. I seem to have put on some more weight - I'm now up to 195 lbs though my jeans are still loose - but I'm going to keep my friend's words in mind and worry less about losing weight. Better to fuss about looking good, especially when I'm nearly naked in a fundoshi or my usual tiny briefs. Heheheh...and playing tennis well, of course. If along the way, I do manage to lose more pounds, then well and good. But I'm not going to rack my brains trying to hit 175 lbs any more. I think it's more important to be healthy, look good and stay fit and muscular, regardless of what I weigh.

A Truly Different Perspective

2011-04-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a younger friend with similar propensities, encouraged me to do two curious things. The first was to rethink my body image - he asked me why I was trying so hard to make my body look like something it wasn't meant to be. He's known about my problems trying to look really slim and buff for years, of course, so he just might have something there.

As he put it, there are lots of big Japanese men who are muscular but not necessarily buffed up but still look quite good enough to feature in naughty films. That was certainly food for thought, as it truly never occured to me that I could still have muscles without having to starve myself to the point of injury.

And since we were talking about Japanese men, he persuaded me try posing in a fundoshi just to see if I could get away with it. And I was surprised at how the pictures turned out. See for yourself below.

The thing is I didn't even have to try to hold my stomach in for the fundoshi shot, which was taken just now and is only one week later than the other one. I wonder why posing in an improvised a Japanese loin cloth makes me look so much better than I do in thongs. Must be because I'm Asian...Ha Ha Ha!

Spring's here!

2011-04-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

Here's a face-front photo to show the worst side after two months of inactivity - no gym training, no tennis. I am glad I didn't put on more than five pounds even if I did lose quite a lot of muscle where it matters. The better side (my favourite side view is below at the next paragraph) if anyone's interested. I thought I'd post something different on April 1st but I wanted to do some thinking first because the last couple of months of inactivity have made me re-think some of my priorities and I've had to come to terms with certain things about myself.

Firstly, I'm never going to be as slim as I've always wanted to be, no matter how much I try to cut down on what I eat or how careful I am about it. There're just too many other physical factors against my achieving that. But that doesn't mean I can't still look much better than I do now. And then, there's the fact that I'll never be as talented as a sportsman as I'd like to be, no matter how much I train or what I sacrifice. So I'll just have to settle for being the best I can be by using the best I have got in the best way I can.

One thing I realised but can't quite explain or understand fully is that for all my lack of hand-eye co-ordination and blood sugar difficulties which affect my ability to do well in sports and games, I don't seem to have any difficulty handling a brush or a pencil or a pen to draw and paint. At first, I thought it was because whatever I could see in my head I could do with my hands, but then that isn't quite true.

When I paint on paper or cloth or apply glaze to my pottery using Chinese watercolour techniques, I don't always see what I want to draw fully in my head. It isn't like there's a complete picture in my mind's eye but the final drawing or painting only appears when I have applied the last brush stroke. And I don't have any difficulty putting down the fine strokes with a steady hand and an accurate eye.

That's about the best way I can explain it though I am still not completely satisfied that I've said it the best - and most comprehensible - way I can. Maybe I've got to make a video and post it to show what I mean. That might be a good idea and something to think about for later, to make with my shirtless tennis vids when I've got rid of the rest of my flab...and when I am more sure of my own artistic skills.

One day at a time...again!

2011-03-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

I've been sick and injured, again and again, since Chinese New Year and I've not only lost a lot of muscle, I suspect I've also put on a bit of fat. About 6 lbs of it, in fact! But the good thing is I'm back on my feet now and slowly starting rehabilitation exercises. So I haven't been taking any new pictures of myself. I'll post one that was taken last month, before things got really bad. Hopefully, I'll be able to get up and start working out with weights and playing tennis again in a couple of weeks.

The Rabbit Bit Me!

2011-02-26T01:41:00.000-08:00

The Rabbit Year's barely begun and it's already bitten me in the derriere. Bad enough to get one type of flu from a client, I had to get a second and worse type from a relative, and now, I've got a terrible case of sinusitis that's made it impossible for me to exercise. On top of that, of course, all the antibiotics and other medications has made me a bit blimpy. Luckily I managed to get a couple of nice photos before I started looking really bad! Sigh* ... guess it's back to Square One again with the weights and tennis training. And I was so hoping to be able to lose 15 lbs and play better, too. Guess I'll have to start eating more rabbits to counter the bad luck of the year!

A few thoughts...

2011-02-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

So all the Chinese New Year hoo-ha is over and I managed to go play tennis again on Wednesday, the 9th of February, and discovered that a twenty-day lay-off is not good for me. I didn't gain any weight but the lack of really active exercise didn't do my lungs any good. After the flu and lung infection, I was gasping like crazy for air! The good thing is that I hadn't lost the timing on my backhand or serve, but my forehand was a different question entirely...typical of my family heritage. I had to resort to stroking the ball carefully without trying to hit a single winner off my right side. And as for my volleying and overhead smash, the same thing happened, too. I must be the only person at the club who runs around the forehand to hit a backhand smash!

Happy Chinese New Year

2011-02-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

Wishing everyone a happy Lunar New year and since it's an auspicious day, I decided to post one of my better pics today...at least one where I don't look all saggy and baggy. I know it's cheating a bit when I don't also post a frontal shot but it's Chinese New Year, after all.

The Rabbit Year cometh...

2011-01-30T06:36:00.000-08:00

As the Year of the Tiger draws to a close, I look back on it with a sigh. There was so much more I wanted to do than I managed to get done. Perhaps I was too ambitious and planned too much. But then, my attitude has always been to demand 150 percent from myself and if I only get 100 or 90 percent accomplished, I can't really complain, can I? I guess the Chinese would call me typically kia-su - dedicatedly fearful of failure - but in a good way, I hope. Anyway, this year, I am planning things a bit more carefully by category and I am not going to aim for more than one item in any one.

1. My writing - to finish the second and third books of my children's fantasy trilogy.

2. My tennis - to play at least one local tournament.

3. My training - to get my weight down to less than 180 lbs. while putting on a bit more muscle.

4. My holiday - to finally go on a holiday to either Bali or Pattaya (I've never been to either place before).

5. My naughty stuff - to do some shirtless tennis videos and post them up here and on Youtube to irritate my relatives and straight, fat old friends.

That's not too much to aim for, is it? A nice combination of work and fun, too, I think.

52 and I can't hardly wait...

2011-01-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

I celebrated my 52nd birthday today by buying a new pair of tennis shoes to symbolize progress in the only sport I know and a golden medicine gourd pendant to represent transmorgrification. That's what I tell all my relatives since buying shoes on a big day is a no-no to the Chinese.

Of course, those who know the Hidden Tongue of Symbols will know that the shoes mean I want to move on to other things. The gold gourd means that I can't wait to transform this all-too-human clay into much finer stuff. I have immortal longings in me, I cannot deny it. I am not exactly depresed - just tired of fighting and fighting so many things all at the same time, myself included. I don't mean to give up, not just yet, anyway...proving other people wrong is still too much fun.

A few more things I forgot...

2011-01-02T01:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I mentioned going on holiday. I wonder if I'm the only one I know that's vain enough to want to get into really good physical condition before displaying myself at a beach. I post pictures of myself with all the extra flab on this blog but I'd never consider going out to the seaside in a g-string unless I looked at least as good as I did last year. And no matter how many lucky shots (like this one) that I get when I'm playing about with my camera, I'd still want to look sexy from all angles before I ventured out of doors without a shirt on.

I certainly don't want to look like I do now (see the Godawful front view picture) when people look at me from in front. I don't know just how healthy such utter vanity is - I was anorexic for some years when I was in my twenties, after all. Nowadays, I guess I know when I'm getting too near the edge and becoming over-fixated about my appearance but when you're no longer in the first blush of youth, you've got to try that much harder each and every day. But that's just me, I guess.

And then there's the question of getting all the other equally important things done...I know I need to really sit down somewhere quietly by myself and think about how I'm going to have to learn to focus my energies on one task at a time. Same as I know I really need to learn to concentrate on first planning my tennis playing strategy, then simply playing each shot right when I try to implement my tactics - keep my eye on the ball and be confident that it's going to go exactly where I want it to land - and wait for the opportunity to play a winner...Hhmmm...sounds like a good life plan, too.

Another year...sigh

2011-01-01T03:39:00.000-08:00

I think this year's started off well. I was playing with my camera this morning and managed to get some good naughty shots of myself where I managed to look nice without having to suck in my gut. I'm posting one here - with another face-and-flab shot for comparison so that I don't get too big for my shoes. No resolutions. I''ve never been a big fan of making promises I can't keep.

I'd rather make plans and then just go ahead carrying them out. Maybe I'm a little older and a lot wiser now, I'm not going to be too ambitious and just limit myself to a few things. In the past, my biggest problem was simply wanting to do too much so that I ended up stretching myself too thin and ending up with too many things left undone at the end of each year. So here goes -

1. I'm going to finish the final draft of my young adults' fantasy and get the second book's first draft done.

2. I'm going to exercise more regularly playing tennis smarter and working out better so that I can finally play those two local tournaments I've been targeting since last year.

3. I'm going to focus on producing more detailed quality ceramic pieces instead of quantity for practice, since I've learnt some of the basic skills well.

4. I'm finally going to take that sun-and-sin holiday I've been promising myself.

Roundup 2010

2010-12-25T06:56:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting year, for sure. I started it off looking better than I've ever managed to in a long time and I'm ending it back at Square One - trying NOT to look like a pig. This is the photo that's got to represent 2010 for me as far as I am concerned...struggling to lose weight, loss of muscle, and just barely staying in one place no matter how hard I try to run.

I always attributed my weight problems to my inner demons but this time round, I have to admit my tired old body had a lot to do with it. It's taken me months to find a way to keep my energy levels up while playing tennis - even after I sacrificed working out with weights. The good news is that, for about a month now, I've been able to eat properly and still play porperly, without suddenly going weak at the knees. From May to September, I had to eat a whole meal (in addition to the regular ones) just to get through a single set, let alone doing any kind of extra weight workouts. Now, I'm beginning to work out again, but with a different programme and I'm starting to feel better.

And then, there were the illnesses - from gastric problems to lingering flu, food poisoning and fever to problems with my eyes. The list just goes on and on. I often found myself getting things done on sheer will power and little else.

Worst of all, was the depression. There were weeks when I felt like it was time to end it all - the better days were when I just ate until I felt like vomiting and read everything I could find on my bookshelves and refused to get out of the house for any reason whatsoever. I have never taken drugs to deal with my depression and I never will, however. The darn things are too expensive and I would feel as if I'd really given up for good if I did. I have always handled it by going through the worst cold turkey and then telling myself, "I refuse to look like a pig in my coffin." I know that when I say that and mean it, I'm over the hump. A big ego is a wonderful remedy for depression, I think.

But I'm not going to end the year on a sour note, however. I should also list all the positive things -

1. I'm learning to play craftier (and better) tennis to cope with all the physical difficulties.

2. I've learnt to understand my weaknesses better and deal with them appropriately instead of just gojng into a tailspin of depression.

3. I've learnt how to eat properly to deal with my personal requirements and I'm on the way to losing weight again.

4. I'm working on two commissioned books (some extra $$$ in the bank always cheers me up) and I've finished the first book of my children's fantasy trilogy.

5. I've graduated to working with porcelain clay (see picture below).

Now that I think about it, I must confess that I was never afraid I couldn't do any of it. I guess having to be myself by myself for so many years helps, after all.

Finally got the courage...

2010-12-07T05:39:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't really lost all that much weight, especially since it's been 2 months since the previous picture from the beginning of October but what little I did lose (about 7 lbs) has given me back the courage start posting pictures again. I never stopped taking them, though...hehehe...I just had to see how very terrible I looked in all the glory of my excess avoirdupois.

I never thought that I'd actually dare to post them on the internet but then I did say I'd be completely honest about how I did struggling with my weight, so for better or for worse, here are the November pictures. And one more from today just for comparison.

Starting all over again here - 1st Oct 2010

2010-10-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

I've made some stupid mistakes, fallen into another bad depression that's taken me nearly two months of binge eating and lots of soul-searching to get out of. Now I'm fighting to get back in shape so that I can play better on the tennis court... I hasn't been easy but I'm getting there slowly. More (and hopefully better)) pictures in November.

Back to Square One AGAIN...

2010-10-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

I've sacrificed so much just to be able to play tennis better now than I ever did as a teenager and sometimes, it seems like I keep going one step forward, two steps back. I purposely stopped weight training so that I could focus on training all my strokes and game techniques without adding more muscle that would put a strain on my old knees. I started eating a bit more so that my blood sugar wouldn't drop suddenly and make me pass out on the court after half-an-hour of training, and what happened was that in spite of all that on-court running and hitting, I put on fat instead.

When I lost 8-0 in the first round because I was so nervous that I couldn't produce any pace in my shots or carry out any of my carefully planned strategies, it sent me into a mental tailspin of depression and binge eating that's taken me more than two months to get out of. So after all that...here's what I look like today. FAT AND FLABBY as if the last twenty months never happened at all.

No wonder my whole family thinks I'm a loser from the word, Go! But I'm not going to roll over and cry in my fat. If there's one thing I've learned in the last three months, nobody's going to help me become what I want but ME. I can't and won't give up on myself because I'm all I've got.

So I'll keep posting my pictures here, to show my progress (and sometimes, the falling back) as I fight the mental weaknesses and demons that brought me to this new low today, and the treacherous body that keeps playing me out every time I think I'm doing right and getting better.

Time for a BIG change!

2010-08-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

No photos this post.

No more posts until I can get my head straight again.

I'm going through some bad times and I think I need to re-adjust the way I have been thinking of myself, the way I think I should look and the things I think I should be doing.

Until then...

2010-08-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

August! And I managed to lose nearly 10 pounds of muscle so that I can play tennis with less knee pain. Some might think that it's stupid to sacrifice hard-earned muscle but then at the moment, my priority is to get fit and train hard enough to enter a local tournament next year.

As I have mentioned before, I carry a lot of baggage on to the court with me whenever I play tennis...thirty-five years of playing stupid and losing every time, for starters.

And then, there's the fact that nobody who knew me from the old days would ever credit me with having the brains or the guts to start from scratch all over again, just to prove to myself that I can actually enter a tournament and not get bundled out 6-0, 6-0 in the first round. I guess I should also mention that the naysayers include every member of my family...just like they all thought I'd always be fat.

Well, I've proved them wrong there, and now it's time to prove them wrong again. So that's why I made the decision to lose 10 pounds of muscle (and hopefully some more lard with it) in order to be able to train and play the kind of attacking tennis I know I can produce.

It was a hard decision, especially when I thought of all the work that had already gone into producing the muscle, but in the long run, I think it's going to be worth it. After all, when I started working out with weights again after 35 years, I didn't really expect to gain much muscle. I was just trying to get lean and fit.

Funny, but even after all this time, it's still hard to write let alone talk in detail about the disappointment, the hurt and the sense of abandonment I felt whenever I stepped on to a tennis court as a junior player, and nobody thought it worth their while to teach me how to play properly (as against how to produce the strokes) because they all thought it was a waste of their time.

But I'll show them. I'll show them all they were wrong.

Shadow boxing 2

2010-07-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

I suffered low sugar attacks of dizziness and trembling twice at the tennis courts last Thursday and Saturday. And that, after having one packet of chicken rice at 11.30 am and another again at 3.00pm before going down to play. I even made it a point to have peanut butter sandwiches and biscuits before starting a game, but it didn't seem to have made much difference. The ironic thing is that here I am trying to lose 20 lbs of body fat so that my knees don't give up (and so I'll look good in extra-tight jeans...but that's another story...) and my body insists that I have got to eat a lot of high, unrefined carbohydrates before I can start exercising effectively (and enjoyably) to lose weight.

I thought I'd found a way to deal with the low sugar problem but it looks like I was wrong. In a way I wish I'd never tried look up 'hypoglycemia' on the internet...it's SCARY!!! So, it's back to the drawing board...or the menu in this case.

This is a prime example of what I call shadow boxing. I can deal with and fight an illness with medicine; I can overcome fat and make up for lack of sporting talent and lousy hand-eye coordination with lots of hard work, but how do I deal with a condition that can't be cured by pills or injections, practise or sheer force of will? It's like fighting shadows in my own mind.

They say I am "sombong" (I)

2010-07-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

"sombong" - adj. proud, bumptious, arrogant, conceited (Bahasa Melayu)

Recently, I was accused of being sombong by some people I know, and it got me wondering if that were really true. I know I set the bar really high for myself. Just a few examples for starters -

I don't ask other people to treat me. Not even as a joke. I was brought up old-fashioned, and I consider it really low class to make others feel obligated to spend any money on me just because I made them feel guilty. On the other hand, I enjoy treating people who I like or sympathise with, to a meal or a drink.

I would never give someone a "missed call' and expect them to call me back so that I can save some money on my handphone bill. My reasoning is simple - why should I expect others to spend their money just because I want to talk to them? If I really wanted to talk to someone, I would spend my own money.

I wouldn't joke about other people's financial matters, love lives or familial relations. It's none of my business and I don't feel that insinuating that someone should 'remember' me in his or her will or take me out to dinner just because they've got a new boyfriend, is the kind of low class thing I should be doing.

So do things like that make me sombong? I don't have a problem if other people want to do things like that. I do, however, get very offended when they expect me to behave like them. People always say, "I have the right to...." but they never mention or conveniently forget that I also have the right NOT to.

Now that I have thought about it, I feel I couldn't really care less whether people regard me as being sombong. After all, I have my standards to maintain, and if the rest of the world feels the need to 'get a little extra' by indulging in that kind of behaviour, I am certainly not going to lower myself and join in.

Hhhmmm...so may I am sombong, after all.

Hard lessons...

2010-07-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

I know I should be happy that today, I can actually plan my strategy before I even serve or receive a single ball in a singles game of tennis (how often I manage to carry out that strategy is another question) but it's still pretty hard to make myself believe that I am no longer the one-shot guy who lost every game 6-0, 6-0. I once mentioned in my blog that I shouldn't apologize or feel embarassed if I played a good shot and won a point...well, I still do. Quite simply, it's still hard for me not to feel inferior to everybody else on the court whenever

I am not going to blame anyone for not explaining or teaching me what to do - let's be honest, that's something you're either born with or you've got to figure out for yourself - nor am I going to bemoan the fact that too many of my peers still see me as that same "let's lose it all with style" kind of player. Bitter experience has made me the kind of person who isn't going to depend on anybody but myself for emotional support of any kind. Quite simply, I have to be strong for me because nobody else is going to be.

I know someday I'll reach a point where I'm simply not strong enough to cope any more, but I've already made plans for that contingency and I'll make darn sure I inconvenience as few people as possible.

2010-06-27T08:13:00.001-07:00

I've had to make some hard decisions recently, especially when it comes to my body. I know I've always said that my first priority was to make sure that I went to my grave looking like a man and not a pig. But I'm also quite competitive and I do want to play tennis well enough to erase some old, painful and rather humiliating memories...and that's what it boils down to essentially. Do I go on trying to put on more and more muscle? As I get older, my knees are going to find it harder to handle the extra weight. Muscle is 18 per cent heavier than fat, after all.

Or do I just concentrate on losing more weight to improve my game and simply train to that end? That could be rather dangerous, as I might end up losing overall muscle mass and density while gaining fat. Let's face it. At 51, no matter how much I train (and I can't train as hard as I would like to nowadays) the best I could ever get as a tennis player is as an A-grade club player. I'm a D-player at the moment and I'm playing three days a week because it takes me at least a full rest day to recover from playing three sets each time.

I decided to try my best to train with light weights so I wouldn't lose too much muscle while still burning fat and maintaining muscle tone while I worked on the most basic things about playing tennis - which I never learned when I was young. I never had the talent to play naturally or the brains to use strategy. Even today, my playing strategy comes down to the two simple things I can remember to do - hit away from my opponents and don't hit the ball to the same place twice. More than that, I can't do because my brain just refuses to function when I see the ball coming my way.

That's why I didn't want to take any pictures of myself until today, when I'd had a chance to try out the new programme and see how my body would take it - and what I'd look like after six weeks.

Shadow boxing 1

2010-05-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

Down with a cold again this week...I hope it's just my annual downtime so that I won't have to worry about getting sick again the rest of this year. I haven't even been able to stay on my feet long the last couple of days, and I've lost my appetite completely (that's not such a bad thing when I'm trying to lose excess avoirdupois). Seems like it's always one step forward forward, two steps back sometimes. That's why I've entitled this week's post 'shadow boxing'. It's as if I'm fighting not just my own body but the shadows in my own mind as well so much of the time, sometimes.

The worst of it is when I'm trying to play good tennis - I don't have good co-ordination, courtcraft, power, speed or stamina on the court. All I've got is what I can do to the best of my ability and to do that, I've got to be always ferociously focused on each and every point I play. I manage to do it for a few points and then it all falls apart...I forget to keep my eye on the ball, my blood sugar falls so low that everything seems to be going round and round or I try to do too much with the ball or I just go back to playing reactively instead of attacking with what little I can muster. But tennis is the only game I've ever been able to play and enjoy, so I don't give up on it - or myself. Even when sometimes, I feel as if the way I play tennis is typical of the rest of my life.

The joys of obssessing

2010-05-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

After six weeks of being rushed off my feet trying to get my life back together, I took a few minutes to consider what would have happened if I'd been just a little bit less of an obssessive-compulsive personality - I'm afraid I would have become grotesquely obese, grouchy (well, a helluvalot more than I am now anyway) stuck in a dead-end 9-5 job and I would have seen much less of the world than I have to date. So I guess I really shouldn't complain even if it's been a real struggle just trying to find time to get to the gym or play tennis regularly. When I think of all the things I had to get done in April, I am very grateful that I was still able to look like this.

Having said that, however, I also realize that trying to put on more and more muscle is not really a good idea unless I want to forget about trying to play tennis competitively against other old farts. Muscle is HEAVY! and my legs don't handle the extra weight too well nowadays. I know I've whined about this before, but really, I have been trying to focus more on cutting fat than getting big muscles recently. I don't think it quite shows yet because I am still 15 pounds heavier than I would like to be but I'm getting there.

The busiest time of the year

2010-04-13T19:21:00.000-07:00

April is the worst month of the year for me. What with the 20-day Cheng Beng festival coming on top of my book and editing clients' rushing to go home, I have to make a real effort to find time to go to the gym or play tennis. I think in the last twelve days, I've only managed to work out three days and play tennis once. To make matters worse, there's been all the festive cooking and banqueting (yeah, I'm a fairly good cook and do a lot of the after-prayer culinary tidying up.)

What with all the face stuffing and lack of real exercise, I hope it isn't beginning to show in this latest photo. Believe me, it took some really adroit time-management to find the few hours I needed for a short quick photography session. The good thing is, I had to get a hair cut and now I don't look like a lunatic accountant who's been staring at the computer screen too long.

2010-04-08T08:52:00.001-07:00

I found this last of my early March 2010 photographs tucked away in a forgotten corner of my computer so I thought I might as well post it here - especially since I haven't been posting much with all the editing work I've been doing for clients the last couple of months. It's been so hectic that I'm afraid I haven't been to see my hairdresser for months now and I need to get a haircut - a drastic one - before I dare take any more pictures I can post here. I tried shooting a few but I had to scrap the whole lot (and I had a nice new g-string, too.)If you scroll down to the next paragraph, you'll see why.

There are two simple reasons why I haven't kept my hair long enough to comb properly since I resigned from from my regular job as a hotel PR manager in 2001. For one thing, gunk might be fine for kids but it makes my scalp itch like crazy... and the other is because I look like this!

The fight goes on...

2010-03-28T08:46:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it seems like one step forward two steps back...all my weight-watching and gym training and playing tennis until some days I feel as if it's a pain just to get out of bed and what happens is I either put on a little weight that I'm not sure is muscle or fat...and sore knees. *Sigh* This isn't really one of my best pictures (taken a few days ago), I think, but it'll have to do until I can get a better one taken sometime this April.

I forgot to post this photo of mine from the old blog in the previous post. I think this has got to be absolutely my very best photo of 2009.

Now, if only I could get better pictures than this one in 2010...preferably with bigger muscles and a much smaller and flatter waist!

A little continuity...

2010-03-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

Just so's there's some continuity from my previous blog, here is my very first blog picture taken just a few weeks or so after I started training at the gym back in 2008. I'd just come back from a 3-month writing assignment in Europe and not only looked terrible but I felt horrible, too.

Jet lag wasn't the only thing I was suffering from - it always takes me at least ten days to recover from jet lag - and that was when I decided that I had to do something or I'd probably die even younger than I expected!

And here are my favourite pictures from the old blog...

I'll be posting more new pictures as I get them done... it's been a very busy four months and I haven't had as much time to do new photoshoots or clean up as many pictures as I like before posting them here to rexord how my body changes as I train, play tennis and eat right. I'm trying to eat at least 5 different kinds of fruits and vegetables a day now, and I feel a lot more energetic but my blood sugar still runs low very quickly...maybe because I'm carrying more muscle now that 2 years ago and my metabolic rate is that much faster. But it's a bit of a pain in the derriere when I'm playing tennis and have to keep worrying about not blacking out on court if I forget to eat a snack before starting a game. That's better than being fat and having a slow fat-burning rate, I guess, so I shouldn't complain too much.

An unwelcome inheritance

2010-03-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

I seem to have inherited the worst of both my father and mother's family genes...wide hips, a tendency to run to fat if I let up on my diet and training for just one week, poor health, lousy resistance to illness, and low blood pressure just for starters. I was sick through most of the Chinese New Year festival from Feb 14th to the end of the month, and then some more at the beginning of March...hence the long hiatus between posts here.

I took this picture just a week ago and I can tell I lost a bit of muscle but at least I still don't look as if I'm ready to dig out my old Size 48 jeans yet. Oh yes, I still keep those around somewhere in my wardrobe, if only to remind me of how far I've come since I embarassed myself getting stuck in a pair of jeans at the old CKTang department store in 1986. It took me half an hour to climb out of a pair of stretch jeans without tearing the zipper off because I thought the stupid thing would stretch enough for me to sit down or breathe easily.

Life hasn't been easy these last five weeks, what with work (12 books to edit, re-write and format), illness and everything but the kitchen sink. All I can say is that I'm glad I haven't put on any more fat or lost too much muscle or got any sicker. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet, hang in there and wait for the worst to blow over...

Welcome to My New Blog!

2010-02-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

As there seems to be a very good chance that I might soon be getting some recognition as an author under my other name, I thought it best to put my naughty old fart pictures here.

I really do wish I didn't have to start a whole new blog again, but I don't have much choice in the matter - it's only a matter of time before one of my young (but very smart and internet-savy) nephews or nieces finds my other blog since it's got my real name on it and sees all those naked and nearly naked pictures of their crazy old uncle. And believe me, I have no wish to have to answer awkward questions from any of my dearly beloved but too-smart-for-their-own-good nephews and nieces.

So what I propose to do is to reserve this blog for adult issues (and pictures), while I turn the other blog into the kind of place kids can visit without fear of suddenly being confronted by naughty pictures of a nearly naked old reprobate.